Sunday, January 17, 2016

Book quotes: The Oxford Book of Humourous Quotations (2nd installment)


I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying.  - Woody Allen

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. - Anonymous

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - Steven Wright

That's okay, we can walk to the kerb from here - Woody Allen on Annie's parking in Annie Hall

I'm English and as such crave disappointment. - Bill Bailey

An Englishman, even if alone, forms an orderly queue of one. - George Mikes

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family - Seinfeld

The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened.  - Saki

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.  - Woody Allen

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God? - Anonymous

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talking about, and that is not being talked about.  - Oscar Wilde

My son's taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing. - Max Kauffman

You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.  - Will Rogers

He never chooses an opinion, he just wears whatever happens to be in style. - Leo Tolstoy

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television - Woody Allen

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must  keep moving forward. - Albert Einstein 

Life is just one damned thing after another.  - Elbert Hubbard

We're all in this together - by ourselves. - Lily Tomlin

Most of one's life .... is one prolonged effort to prevent oneself thinking. - Aldous Huxley

Most people die without ever having lived. Luckily for them, they don't realise it. - Henrik Ibsen

The man who is denied the opportunity of taking decisions of importance begins to regards as important the decisions he is allowed to take.  - C.Northcote Parkinson

Do you think I would marry anyone who would marry me? - Henry James

Marriage isn't a word...it's a sentence. - King Vidor (in The Crowd)

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, then what are we to make of an empty desk. - Anonymous

If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life thinking it is stupid. - Anonymous

Facebook is for people who can't face books - Madeline Beard

Why would I tweet when I've not yet read The Brothers Karamazov? - Michael Palin

A fool and his money are soon parted. What I want to know is how they got together in the first place.  - Cyril Fletcher

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it's raining. Robert Frost.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

All I ask it the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. - Spike Milligan

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. - Albert Einstein

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

You would not like Nietzsche. sir. He is fundamentally unsound. - P.G. Wodehouse.

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