Saturday, January 16, 2016

Book: The Oxford Book of Humourous Quotations by Gyles Brandreth

The Oxford Book of Humourous Quotations is a great coffee table book, offering a trove of witty quips from across the cultural spectrum.



My favourite quotes are recorded below, with more to follow in future posts.

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When you do Shakespeare they think you must be intelligent because they think you understand what you're saying. - Helen Mirren

I used to work for a living, then I became an actor. - Roger Moore

Talk low, talk slow, and don't say much. - John Wayne

She generally gave herself very good advice (though very seldom followed it) - Lewis Carrol

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Monroe Schulz

I feel like I'm twenty again, but with arthritis - Sylvester Stallone on the latest Rambo installment

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.  - Leroy Paige

Nothing makes a man so adventurous as an empty pocket - Victor Hugo

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.  - Edward VIII

Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney? - Eddie Izzard

I live in a city. I know sparrows from starlings. After that everything's a duck as far as I'm concerned. - Terry Pratchett 

It is a good rule in life never to apologise. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take advantage of them.  - P.G. Wodehouse

My body is a temple and my temple needs redecorating.- Joan Rivers

Imagination without skill gives us modern art. - Tom Stoppard

The play was a great success, but the audience was a total failure.  - Oscar Wilde

GAMBLER: Say, is this a game of chance?
CUTHBERT J.TWILLIE: Not the way I play it.
- W.C. Fields

It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but that's the way to bet.  - Damon Runyon

He is not only dull in himself but the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Foote

The covers of this book are too far apart. - Ambrose Bierce

No furniture so charming as books. - Sydney Smith

I'll give you a definite maybe. - Sam Goldwyn

Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up. -Anonymous

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.  - Phyllis Diller

You know you're working class when your tv is bigger than your bookcase. - Rob Beckett

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now.  - Bob Monkhouse.

The most remarkable thing about my mother was that for thirty years she served nothing but left-overs. The original meal was never found.  - Tracy Ullman

A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.  - Kenneth Tynan

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