The Oxford Book of Humourous Quotations is a great coffee table book, offering a trove of witty quips from across the cultural spectrum.
My favourite quotes are recorded below, with more to follow in future posts.
When you do Shakespeare they think you must be intelligent because they think you understand what you're saying. - Helen Mirren
I used to work for a living, then I became an actor. - Roger Moore
Talk low, talk slow, and don't say much. - John Wayne
She generally gave herself very good advice (though very seldom followed it) - Lewis Carrol
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. - Charles Monroe Schulz
I feel like I'm twenty again, but with arthritis - Sylvester Stallone on the latest Rambo installment
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Leroy Paige
Nothing makes a man so adventurous as an empty pocket - Victor Hugo
California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. - Edward VIII
Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney? - Eddie Izzard
I live in a city. I know sparrows from starlings. After that everything's a duck as far as I'm concerned. - Terry Pratchett
It is a good rule in life never to apologise. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take advantage of them. - P.G. Wodehouse
My body is a temple and my temple needs redecorating.- Joan Rivers
Imagination without skill gives us modern art. - Tom Stoppard
The play was a great success, but the audience was a total failure. - Oscar Wilde
GAMBLER: Say, is this a game of chance?
CUTHBERT J.TWILLIE: Not the way I play it.
- W.C. Fields
It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but that's the way to bet. - Damon Runyon
He is not only dull in himself but the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Foote
The covers of this book are too far apart. - Ambrose Bierce
No furniture so charming as books. - Sydney Smith
I'll give you a definite maybe. - Sam Goldwyn
Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up. -Anonymous
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
You know you're working class when your tv is bigger than your bookcase. - Rob Beckett
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now. - Bob Monkhouse.
The most remarkable thing about my mother was that for thirty years she served nothing but left-overs. The original meal was never found. - Tracy Ullman
A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car. - Kenneth Tynan