Allen: What are you doing Saturday night?
Woman: Committing suicide.
Allen: What about Friday night?
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness - I hope you're getting this down."
80% of success is showing up.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
A guy will say, "Well, I make my luck." And the same guy walks down the street and a piano that's been hoisted drops on his head. The truth of the matter is your life is very much out of your control.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
I have no idea what I am doing. But incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Taste my tuna casserole – tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.
I took one course in existential philosophy at New York University and on the final they gave me ten questions. I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left ’em all blank... I got a hundred.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
Marriage is the death of hope.
The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
I took a speed reading course and read War And Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
I don't know enough to be incompetent.
What I really like to do best is whatever I’m not doing at the moment.
Probably they are casting aside ideas that are as good as the ideas I choose to work on. I’ll think of an idea walking down the street, and I’ll mark it down immediately. And I always want to make it into something. I’ve never had a block. I’m talking within the limits of my abilities. But in my own small way, I’ve had an embarrassment of riches. I’ll have five ideas and I’m dying to do them all. It takes weeks or months where I agonize and obsess over which to do next. I wish sometimes someone would choose for me. If someone said, Do idea number three next, that would be fine. But I have never had any sense of running dry. People always ask me, Do you ever think you’ll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me—it’s an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We’re one.
My dad didn't even teach me how to shave — I learned that from a cabdriver. But the biggest lesson he imparted is that if you don't have your health, you have nothing. No matter how great things are going for you, if you have a toothache, if you have a sore throat, if you're nauseated, or, God forbid, you have some serious thing wrong with you — everything is ruined.