Tim Vine is a human pun-machine gun who once held the world record for most jokes told in an hour. His gag book doesn't quite live up to the reviewer hype but it is good for a chuckle, and I did cull a fair few jokes for my joke-file (everyone has one, right?).
- This bloke said to me, "I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away". I said "that's a bit far-fetched"
- I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a murderer. He always burying other people's heads in the sand.
- I didn't have a happy upbringing. I remember my 3rd birthday. I was 15.
- This bloke said to me, "I live in the sky in a Swiss clock." I said "you're in cloud cuckoo land"
- I used to file my nails but then I thought, what's the point of keeping them?
- Exit signs, they're on the way out
- I've been on a crash diet. I drove my car into a tree and spent a month on a drip.
- I fell in love with a clumsy cleaner. She swept me off my feet.
- I don't do jokes about the Spanish - no way Jose
- A police man came up to me and gave me a sheet of thin paper and a pencil. I said what's that for. He said I want you to help me trace someone.
- Somebody actually complimented my driving today. I found a little notice on my windscreen that said "Parking Fine". That was nice
- I remember being diagnosed with amnesia. That was a day to forget.
- I love it when people repeat what I've said, but don't quote me on that
- I used to go out with an anaesthetist - she was a local girl
- She was a knock out
- ...We had a lot of good times, in general
- ...If there are any more anaesthetist jokes, I'm not conscious of them
- ...There are probably some more out there, in the ether
- I've taken up speed reading. I can read "War and Peace" in twenty seconds. It's only three words but it's a start
- I had a dream the other night I was chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper. Dicing with death.
- Do you ever lick and envelope and think it tastes do good that you could eat the whole thing?