Wednesday, June 26, 2013

More quotes from "Never Hit a Jellyfish With a Spade: How to Survive Life's Smaller Challenges" by Guy Browning

Never Hit A Jellyfish With A Spade
Here are some more quotes from "Never hit a Jellyfish with a Spade" (reviewed earlier):

How to... use a fork and knife
For those interested in advanced etiquette, it's the height of bad manners to stab someone with a fish knife unless they are a Pisces. ... Finally, beware of the fishcake: experts are still undecided whether it should be approached with a fish knife or a cake fork. If in doubt, don't approach it and edge quietly backwards until you are out of danger.

How to... get up really early
For most people, getting up is a process of going through the every stage of evolution from a lump of primordial slime to a hairy uncommunicative biped. The final bit of evolution to erect, tool-wielding Homo sapiens takes another hour in the bathroom.

Getting up in the summer is a cinch, as there's sun streaming through your window, larks singing on your window sill, and cornflakes gambolling in your bowl. In the winter, it's pitch black outside, your car is trapped in a block of ice, and you've go to cook porridge for yourself, which you don't even like. 

Getting up early for work on a winter weekday is such a cruel and unusual thing to do that you're probably infringing on your own human rights.

The only way of alleviating winter wake-ups is to have your underclothes simmering on the radiator. Getting dressed is then like getting back into bed, except now you're standing up.

How to... potter
Starting is the hardest part of pottering as it generally requires shifting down to a gear generally used only in old age or convalescence.

Men have traditionally been masters of pottering, which is basically constructive idleness. They even have a shrine to it called the potting shed. Men can spend hours, if not days, sorting screws into different sizes, labelling creosote tines, and fitting old carpet tiles to the floor. In fact, they get so absorbed in this that it's almost impossible for them to give up any time for trivial matters such as gas leaks in the house.

If you're not sure how to get your pottering under way, try the second drawer in the kitchen - not the ones with the cutlery, but the one with the fuses, Sellotape and instructions for the microwave. Make yourself a nice cup of tea and then tidy this drawer.

How to... have a shed
All sheds must have a miniature filing cabinet of screws and nails. No one knows where theses screws and nails have come from, and no one knows where they will go. Their purpose is simply to be meticulously filed and graded.

How to... grow up
Finally, you can test how grown-up you are by your position in a double-decker bus: kids at the top front; teenagers top back; grown-ups middle top; older adults bottom back; really old people bottom front. If you find yourself on the bottom right at the front, you have grown up to be a bus driver.

How to... love
The miracle of life is that, whoever you are, there really is somebody out there for you. The tragedy of life is that this person often lives in Swindon.

No comments: